


please remember, my answer was always you

by moonlightrenjun



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Decisions, Jisung is a 11/10 Hero, M/M, Minor Character Death, Rensung is Cute!, Time Loop, Time Travel, the death tag isn't so bad i promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-09
Updated: 2019-02-09
Packaged: 2019-10-24 19:16:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17710013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlightrenjun/pseuds/moonlightrenjun
Summary: jisung fails to save renjun, and so, when time rewinds, he tries and tries again.





	please remember, my answer was always you

**Author's Note:**

> the title is from [try again](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4LPmBiFkoBk) by d.ear and jaehyun!

Something seems off to Jisung when he wakes one quiet morning. He stretches, and shuffles to the bathroom, before realizing how dead silent the apartment is.

It’s unusual to say the least. Renjun tends to get up earlier than him to make breakfast in their warm kitchen, or to go out to buy breakfast (occasionally taking Jisung’s wallet instead of his own). By the time Jisung wakes up on a normal day, Renjun has the breakfast on the table, steaming hot.

 _He must be sick,_ Jisung thinks, as he tiptoes around, careful not to wake up Renjun.

He runs/slides down the hallway, scanning the living room, and finding an overturned flower pot, he flinches, memories of last night coming back to him. Reassuringly, he sweeps the porcelain into a trash can.

The silence makes Jisung feel as if he’s an investigator in a detective movie (or maybe more like a victim in a horror film).

Next, Jisung sweeps the kitchen for broken bottles from the mess of last night. Spotting a few, he tuts and grabs a dustpan from the corner of the room. As he moves around, he sees Renjun, lying down in the middle of the kitchen. Jisung doesn’t see anything wrong with the situation at first, too drowsy to think clearly. He’s concluded that Renjun’s just decided to take a little nap (it doesn’t help that Renjun has somehow wrangled a rug over his body like a blanket).

The moment he leaves the kitchen however, he whips his head around again, realizing in the four years that they’ve lived together, Renjun has never once, not slept in a bed. No matter how absolutely drained the older boy is, he’s always made sure to collapse on a bed before passing out from stress of exams or the tire of workload. He shakes Renjun, first hesitantly, and then extremely panicked. “Renjun!” he shouts, and when Renjun doesn’t give any indication of consciousness, his anxiety skyrockets. “Shit,” he mutters, dialing 911.

When the emergency ambulance arrive, Jisung can’t stop shaking from head to toe. The paramedic asks him if he needs medical assistance himself, and Jisung says no, trying to stop all the relentless thoughts that spew in his head.

Somehow still, with the quivering, he manages to drive himself to the hospital. Standing in the hospital, Jisung can't shake off the ominous impression that eats away at his chest. There is something wrong, he can sense it. Tears wash down his face heavily as he tries to compose himself.

Everything’s gone to shreds harshly too fast. The hospital is terrible. The uncomfortable feeling washes over him in constant waves. The bland white walls are annoyingly good at reminding Jisung of all his fears and worries. Jisung wants to go home with Renjun, back to their dorm, back to safe and sound. He buries his face in his hands, utterly frustrated at everything that has previously happened in the past twenty-four hours. He had to call Renjun’s parents, and they didn’t even pick up. He _had to_ send a voicemail to people he barely knew about their son and his unconscious condition in the most uncomfortable choked voice with hiccups every seconds.

He’s sitting in a plastic chair alongside Renjun’s bed with Jeno and Donghyuck by his side, who have given up trying to get him to go get some food, or rest. Jisung’s refused; he’s not getting up until some sign of Renjun conscious appears. Jeno clutches Donghyuck's hand worriedly by Jisung’s side, and Jisung can't stand to watch them _so in love_ while the love of his life is slowly dying. Their hands swing back and forth, and Jisung wants someone to hold his hand; he wants Renjun to. The heart monitor beeps, slower every time, taunting Jisung, and he bites his cheek. He stares at the chart, as opposed to watching the lovebirds flaunt.

His phone buzzes, and all Jisung does is turn his head away for a few seconds to make sure that it isn’t Renjun’s parents wanting updates. While he’s at the edge of the room, several nurses make their way into the room. From the commotion, Jisung looks back. The graph no longer shows ups and downs, but merely a straight line. It has flat lined, and Jisung’s eyes look straight from the measure to Renjun. His phone falls from his hand.

Despite the ruckus, no one’s paying any attention to him, because god, _Renjun is dead._ Jisung chokes back tears. Nurses and doctors run into the room, scattering the three visitors, and all Jisung want to look anywhere than at Renjun. He tries to focus on the snow that has just starts falling.

It's the first snow, and Jisung can already tell how harsh this winter will be.

At his funeral, Jisung bows his head. He’s wearing all black, and even that somehow reminds him of Renjun. If Renjun were here, he’d tell Jisung that he looked “so grown up,” and Jisung would grin widely under such praise and then everything would be alright with the world. He shuffles uncomfortably, unsure of who to talk to or even, what he’s doing here. Jisung can’t bear to see Renjun's family. They’re all somber, and he can’t stand hearing them talk about Renjun as if he’s only made up of memories. Renjun is _so much more_ than that, and Jisung wants to yell it across the dreary funeral home.

But even greater than that, Jisung wants Renjun to come back. In fact, Jisung has several ideas about what Renjun deserves, and none of them include death. Soon, it turns time to pay last respects, and yet Jisung can’t drag himself up there. He doesn’t want to see what he already knows, the odd dent in Renjun’s beautiful, delicate head.

The doctors explained it as a severe concussion, most probably caused by an automobile accident. It causes Jisung’s fists to clench up when he hears what must’ve happened. He can only imagine Renjun stumbling around, finally finding their apartment. He can’t stop imagining Renjun gripping the wall, a wall from Jisung— _from help_ — before he loses conscious.

It’s his and only his fault. If only Jisung had stumbled out of his room earlier, or had went out to find Renjun, or had done anything other than what he actually decided to do: crumple up in his room. It’s Jisung who got into an argument with Renjun which forced him to leave and walk off in a fit of anger.

How ironic. Jisung’s made his own life hell.

Jisung hates the apartment now. He’s haunted by everything that lays beyond the door. It's only a reminder of what he's lost. Renjun's books still sit on their kitchen counter, and Jisung can't look at them without seeing Renjun sitting there, glasses just about to fall off his nose, flipping through the book with Jisung beside him, almost falling asleep on his shoulder, eyes blinking drowsily. He can’t sit on the couch without seeing Renjun sleeping, curled up in a ball, a blanket lightly placed on him by Jisung. He still remembers how Renjun would stir from a nap, only to grumble about being awoken by Jisung’s noisy tapping on the computer, and go back to sleep instantly.

Most importantly, he still remembers the golden days Renjun would pry the blankets off of Jisung early morning, and drag him across town. They’d go around to different shops, something new every time, with Jisung always whining about being out and about.

He stopped complaining the moment Renjun found something worth his time. When his eyes lit up, and he gaped at whatever it is, Jisung couldn’t help but smile. He’d show Jisung the item, whether it be a painting kit, or a sweater, and lift his mouth up in fascination. “Look at this!” he’d explain, face filling with happiness, “Don’t you think it’s wonderful Ji?”

Renjun’s things still litter the apartment, and Jisung doesn’t have the ability to mail them to his family. He can’t pick up a single item without feeling guilty, without feeling as if he should’ve done something, _anything_ to prevent Renjun from ever dying. His mind is plagued with thoughts of Renjun, and Jisung doesn’t think he’ll ever get over it.

His friends try to help him give up the notion of Renjun. Soon, they give up, seeing how lost of a cause Jisung is in his mournful state. Jisung doesn’t blame them for giving up. He’s angry, and mean, and resentful now. The words he says are said without thought, and they spit of hot fire that burns anyone who gets near. He can’t seem to think anything positive, nor see anything positive. Whenever his friends come around, pleading for him to have fun, and take a load off, all Jisung can see is how they have each other.

And Jisung? Well, he has nobody, now that Renjun’s gone.

It isn’t until two weeks later that Jisung goes to class. He’s still painfully aware of the tears that are soaked into his face, but still he makes an ever brave attempt to show up to class. His teacher, kind but brutal, mentions nothing of his disappearance and schedules a few times for them to meet up and review everything that he’s missed. When he gets home, Jisung’s head slumps, exhausted by questions and curious stares of classmates. He crawls into bed, and curls into a ball, hoping things get better. The soft blankets and pillows to do nothing to comfort Jisung, who just wants Renjun back.

 

 

The next morning, when he awakes, he has to take a second look. Renjun is standing over him, and he screams without thinking. _God, he's going crazy now, isn't he?_ _Seeing Renjun in real life?_  Renjun jumps at the sound of his scream, and Jisung reaches up to grasp his hand.

“Jun?” he curiously wonders out loud, “Is it really you?” Renjun scoffs at him, “Of course you idiot, what am I dead?” His choice of words sting Jisung harshly. Nonetheless, he tries to not let it show.

“Right.” he rolls back underneath the covers. “I’m gonna go back to sleep.” His heart is racing, and he doesn’t dare look above the covers, nor open his eyes.

_This has to be a dream._

A few seconds later, someone tugs on his covers, and he stupidly looks up. Renjun is still there. “What?” Renjun asks, “Is there something on my face? Why do you look like you’ve seen a ghost?”

Jisung exhales slowly, “Renjun, can you just give me a few moments?” Jisung doesn’t answer Renjun’s question, nor does he sound confident in his words, and Renjun quirks an eyebrow.

“Huh, really? But you told me last night we’d go to the movies today.” Renjun tugs harder on the blankets, until Jisung finds himself on the floor, still gripping the blanket sharply in shock. _Ouch. That hurt too much for him to be dreaming._ Jisung’s still so baffled. He blinks widely, trying to utilize all his teachings from school to explain what must’ve happened.

_Nothing._

He comes up with absolutely nothing. There’s no answer to why Renjun stands in front of him. It’s scientifically impossible for this to be true, unless…Jisung’s stranded in an alternate universe where Renjun’s still alive. But still, that doesn’t make all the sense in the world. Why would the only variable changed in this world be Renjun?

Swinging his legs onto the floor, he allows Renjun to lead him to the kitchen. He rubs his eyes, extremely drowsy with sleep, but still too awake due to the surprise standing in front of him. The scene downstairs seems vaguely familiar. Even so, Jisung still can’t place it, no matter what he tries.

It isn’t until a little past nine that Jisung finally lets the pieces fall into place. When Renjun comes back with a big box, and Jisung can already tell what’s in it, he knows where he is. He’s not in an alternate universe, he’s back a week before Renjun’s death day, a Sunday where Renjun surprised Jisung with a small glass giraffe figurine that was supposed to represent Jisung.

When Renjun takes it out of the cardboard box, Jisung’s heart oddly sinks as he realizes that he really must be in the past. Why does he feel so terrible about being in the past? He should be happy, being able to switch fate.

“Thanks,” he says dejectedly, and Renjun squints at him. “Don’t you mean: ‘Thanks! Renjun this is such a wonderful gift?’” Renjun pokes Jisung, “Be happy, I got you something. You’re always complaining about me not getting you anything ever.”

“I mean….” Jisung can’t let Renjun know that there’s something off, “I love it!” Satisfied, Renjun rushes out of the room with a ‘be right back!’, and Jisung racks his mind with how he can save Renjun this time.

He sure won’t be leaving without a fight.

Jisung senses the urgency of it all. He’s got seven days, or a bit less than even that to make sure that Renjun doesn’t get hurt whatsoever. He alone can change their future. Jisung has read books in which the main character gets to go back to the past, but never once has he ever thought that he’d go back in time. He starts scribbling down ideas as to what he can say or do. Before he gets too far, Renjun comes back downstairs, and Jisung slams the cover to his notebook quickly. “Ready to go?” Renjun asks, slipping on a light sweatshirt, while Jisung tries to recall what happened this day. He cringes, and says a tiny “Yes!” hoping he can turn fate around. This was the starting point of their argument last time. Jisung intends on making sure that it never even has the chance to start.

Luckily for Jisung, the day goes surprisingly well. It’s the little things that allow Jisung to tweak fate the slightest, to shift Renjun onto the right path. Jisung catches himself before he can annoy Renjun to death, and he leaves the park hopeful about his chances.

However, as night creeps down, he starts to grow doubtful. There’s just too much that could go wrong, and knowing his own luck, Jisung just doesn’t think he’ll be able to save Renjun. All the same, he certainly doesn’t relish the thought of reliving everything. He’s unable to sleep by himself. The more uncertainty creeps up, the more Jisung craves to spend all his time with Renjun. There’s something special in Renjun’s demeanor whenever he talks to Jisung, and it makes Jisung feel as if he truly matters, just by the way Renjun listens and looks when he talks with sparkles in his eyes. Even through empty silence, Jisung can sit comfortably in Renjun’s presence.

Slinging his blanket over his shoulder, he walks slowly down the hallway, knocking on Renjun’s door softly before slipping in.

“Jisung?” Renjun mumbles, half-asleep. “What are you doing?”

“Can I sleep with you tonight?”

“Why? Did you have a nightmare?”

“Something like that.” he says, because _technically_ it is the truth. A world without Renjun is a nightmare for Jisung. Renjun opens his arms. “Come here.” he says, and Jisung slips in a second later. Jisung moves his head placed directly on Renjun’s chest, and Renjun wraps his arms around Jisung. His old tears are still on his face, and they imprint on Renjun’s t-shirt.

The next day, Renjun don’t bring it up until they’re sat in Renjun’s car, driving to the zoo for their weekly volunteer service with the little kids who won’t stop asking simple questions. Jisung loves them; he adores watching them waddle around, he delights in their fascination with the animals, and the way they ask questions brashly without embarrassment.

“So,” Renjun shifts in his seat, looking through his rearview window and then at Jisung, “What was last night about?” Jisung opens his mouth, and then closes. He has no good answer. If Jisung were to tell the truth, Renjun wouldn’t believe him, and if Jisung were to lie, well then, Renjun still wouldn’t believe him.

Renjun knows him too well for Jisung to get away with any lies.

“I’ll tell you later, I promise.” They finally arrive at their destination, and Jisung sighs a breath of relief, knowing that there’s no way for Renjun to interrogate him now, in front of all of the children.

It’s a swarm of little kids. From the moment Jisung walked through the front gate with Renjun, he was trampled (and that’s really something, considering his height). They tug on his hands and on his pants to gain his attention. Renjun has his own crowd, and they slowly make their way around the zoo, taking the kids to different animals. It’s too adorable to just sit around and watch, and Jisung snaps various pictures of the kids.

He takes plenty of Renjun too.

After that, they’re headed home when Renjun tries to bring up the topic once again. Jisung swallows once, hard, thinking of how to respond. “Well,” he balances his words carefully, “I imagined that you had died all of a sudden? And then after I was transported seven days past to save you.”

Renjun bursts out laughing. “That’s so creative!” he coos, “You could totally write a story with that plot, Sungie!”

After a few moments of silence and driving over a bumpy road, he fidgets with his hands in his lap, and his expression changes completely. “You’re so sweet for crying about me.” Renjun’s voice is scratchy and deep, and Jisung wants nothing more than to blurt the truth.

Jisung looks down, and he answers with a pitiful “I don’t know what I’d without you.”

“Well then,” Renjun slings their hands together, “I’ll make sure to be by your side.” The blush on Jisung’s cheeks grows.

Silence surrounds them, but it's comfortable, with their hands still interlocked. The windows are down for once, and Renjun lets his hands rest outside of the car, feeling the breeze kick in. An airplane flies overhead. Renjun looks after it’s long gone.

“One day,” he mutters, “I want to go on a trip with you, just you, anywhere and show you the world.” Renjun looks over to Jisung, who’s desperately trying to keep his eyes to the road. Renjun’s serious words choke up Jisung, and he sputters out a simple “Thanks.”

Days pass by as easily as strangers, and Jisung’s looking up at the ceiling, going over the final plan. After consulting the wide-web, as well as several science-fiction novels, Jisung’s decided to try and spend the whole day just having a normal day where they stay inside the house and Jisung can keep track of him. That way, Jisung can hopefully keep him from an accident. It isn’t a foolproof plan, and yet, Jisung’s hopeful.

It all goes wrong, moments away from making a pillow fort. Renjun’s fingers dance in midair from nerves, and Jisung already knows whatever Renjun is about to say is risky. Despite that, when Renjun mentions a date with Jaemin, all common sense goes out of Jisung’s mind. He shakes his head frantically, and gives random excuses.

“You can’t, I won’t allow it!” He chokes out, before realizing how appalling that must sound. Renjun, in response, replies just as Jisung feared he would. His eyes narrow, and Jisung gulps.

“Since when do you control what I do?” Renjun says, and then adds on, “You don’t have a say in this. We’re just roommates.”

Renjun’s words, regardless of the meaning, always have meaning to Jisung. And this pierces him to the heart.

He’s not thinking straight when he says, “If we’re just roommates, I don’t want to build a fort with you.” Renjun huffs, and storms out the dorm. Jisung buries his face in his blanket before common sense finally clicks back on in his mind, and he stares horrified out the window.

_Renjun could be out there, dying on the street._

He frantically jogs around the block, down the street to that corner store that Renjun always likes to get sweets from, to the art fair that’s currently being held a few blocks away, to anywhere and everywhere that he can think of.

He turns a corner an hour later, and deja vu washes over him. Renjun, once again is face down on the ground. This time, everything is much worse than he could’ve imagined. The blood is everywhere, and as Jisung shakes Renjun in a hurried motion to wake up, he gets blood on his hands and his clothes.

The dark red is still staining when he finally get transported a hospital. Nurses and doctors scatter around, carrying clipboards and yelling things that don't make any sense to Jisung. He gaps and watches as they try all sorts of things to revive him. All to no use.

The blood on his hands is comparable to punishment for Jisung, who refuses to leave Renjun’s side as the doctors try everything they can think of. He can’t see anything else other than Renjun, lying there in his own blood, head cracked back, too far back for a normal human. He stifles a sob, pressing his hands to his mouth.

He feels like an idiot once Renjun is pronounced dead for the second time. How could he have so easily been drenched in hope, only to be completely crushed? Someone must be laughing at him for being so naive, for being so easily bought into the fact that he, little Park Jisung, could save Renjun that easily.

Afterwards, he stumbles back to the apartment, upset. Chenle tries to stop because he ‘isn’t in the right mindset to be alone’, but all Jisung wants is to be alone.

Life continues on, but even so, Jisung can’t stop thinking about what he could’ve done differently; from stopping Jaemin from ever asking Renjun out, to not blowing up when Renjun announced it. He’s beating himself over a single mistake because it cost Renjun his life, and it’s all Jisung’s fault. There is no one else for him to blame.

 _If I were to do it all again, I’d do it differently_. Jisung knows that much.

He doesn’t want to think of Renjun anymore, nor have his thoughts be filled of him. He misses Renjun so damn much. And everywhere he looks shows him a little bit of Renjun.

It’s over, the time-traveling is over, and Jisung can’t control time to bring it back. As much as he’d be delighted if he got the chance, he needs to give up the hope that it’ll happen again.

Groaning, he scans through his phone, deleting the pictures of him and Renjun, hoping to try and forget about him.

He falls asleep, face to phone, still sat on his kitchen chair.

 

 

He wakes up in bed with someone leaning curiously over him.

“Jisung, I don’t have the time for you sleeping in, we’ve got to go now!”

He doesn’t think his words through, and while still groggy, he says, “Renjun is that you?”

Renjun squints at him for a moment, before slowly answering. “Yeah.” he says cautiously, “Are you alright?”

“Just peachy.” Jisung whimpers out, thoughts revolving around his head as fast as bullets. He jumps out of bed legs wobbly, frantically clicking on the calendar app on his phone to load. The date reads January 20th, and Jisung, once more, is mystified at how this could happen.

He’s further proven his point that he has, indeed traveled back in time, when Renjun gives Jisung the same gift that he’s now received thrice.

Jisung has a different goal this time. He isn’t not going to attempt to make peace with Renjun, but rather he’ll stop Jaemin. _It’s not out of jealousy,_ Jisung swears to himself. Jisung’s plan can never be fool-proof, however this time with past experience, he’s a bit more confident.

Tonight, he’s out with his friends, who are in their element out this late at night. They’re all running around the city, past darkened alleyways and lightened neon shops, playing silly games and avoiding traffic. Jisung’s been putting off talking to Jaemin, because Jisung cringes so hard every time he even thinks about the topic at hand.

Still, as the hours tick down, he knows he needs to say something before it’s too late. Luckily, he gets trapped with Jaemin in a game of partner hide and seek. As they duck down behind a bush, Jisung clears his throat.

“Hey,” he says, “I just wanted to ask you to possiblynotaskoutrenjun maybe?” Jaemin blinks confused, and asks Jisung to repeat himself.

“Uh, could you not. Ask. Out. Renjun. Maybe?” He articulates each word, fist clenching with every moving second. Jaemin looks at him with something of respect.

“How did you know?”

“If I told you I time-traveled back, would you believe me?”

“Maybe?”

Jisung huffs, “Look I don’t want to talk about it anymore just,” His voice drops down to a whisper, “Please don’t ask out Renjun.” The look in his eye is enough to persuade Jaemin, who nods agreeably.

To be fair, Jisung isn’t surprised that Jaemin agreed to easily. He’s never been one to get into arguments over silly things, and Jaemin knows well enough that Jisung hates asking things of people, enough to know not to argue over the fact of asking out Renjun.

Getting Jaemin to not ask Renjun out was the easy part. The harder part? Managing to make Renjun stay inside with him.

At times, Jisung feels like he’s less of an action hero, rather like a caretaker. He’s desperate to make sure that Renjun doesn’t walk out the apartment in fear of death. His notebook holds pages and pages of excuses as to why Renjun must stay inside. Having said that, he still doesn’t know if any of them will work.

Finally the day comes, and a simple excuse of beating Renjun at all the video games that lie in their house works. They’ve gotten farther in the day this time, the sun is halfway to setting, and Jisung is plunged into relief. It’ll work this time, Jisung’s sure of it. The sun’s close to setting, and that is enough to diminish all of Jisung’s fear.

The doorbell rings, and Jisung groans hazily from his seat. He’s so comfortable, too comfortable to see the risks in Renjun going to the door. Renjun goes to grab their pizza (after teasing Jisung for not getting up), and Jisung doesn’t even realize what’s happened until a few minutes after, when the pizza guy calls out “Is anyone there?”

Jisung’s intuition comes a little late, and he rushes out to the door, to find Renjun laying once again, on the kitchen floor, face down.

It’s already happened twice, and yet, the emotions haven’t faded. Jisung’s still thrown into a world is misery, of what-ifs, and of sleepless nights. His tears are always fresh on his face. Jisung misses Renjun, he misses him too much to think carefully.

His emotions are a mess, spread like watercolors over a delicate white page.

 

 

The next time, Jisung’s ready to tear his hair out. He told himself that this would be over the first time, that he’d be able to get Renjun back. Now, he can’t bear how terribly far he’s come, on his third trip back in time. It’s painful to see Renjun around the dorm. Renjun’s face is imprinted on Jisung’s mind. The more he tries to forget about Renjun, the more Renjun comes up.

It’s Renjun, watching a movie, gasping at the plot twist, and attaching himself to Jisung.

It’s Renjun, who listens to Jisung talk, and actually wants to know him.

It’s Renjun, making a hearty breakfast when he knows Jisung has a busy day ahead of him.

It’s Renjun, placing his pen to his mouth, deep in thought about whatever test he has the next day (Chemistry. It’s for chemistry because Renjun’s been muttering the periodic table under his breath during their early morning).

 

The fourth, or fifth time (Jisung’s started to forget), he’s not by Renjun’s side for half the time. He’s guilty, unable to stop this cycle; but he can’t stay when he knows death is near.

When he comes back to a Renjun dropped dead on the ground, Jisung calls an ambulance, which is followed by the police immediately. They go over and over again where Jisung was, until he knows his own story back and forth, sideways and upside down. He’s halfway back home when he gets the call that makes everything just ten times worse.

“They think you killed him.” Jaemin repeats on the phone, leaving Jisung to shocked to even respond.

“But you’d would never do that...hello? Jisung, hello?”

Jisung can’t lie. It is his fault that Renjun has died. The truth is, Jisung has killed him. He could’ve prevented it. He knew it would happen, and he didn’t stop it. _That makes him the culprit, right?_

Jisung turns himself in, and he spends the next few weeks in a psychological ward. No one can believe that he’s traveling back in time, nor can they believe that Jisung has killed Renjun with that reasoning of his.

 

History repeats—literally, and Jisung finds himself in deeper water as the four-time turn back turns into six, and then to seven. He's enthusiastic at first, which turns to desperation, and soon full-fledged unforgiveness. He’s like a character in a video game who keeps on getting resurrected. Although, the difference between him and a hero in a video game is that fact that he can never save the one he loves the most. It’s a repeat of hope and hurt, repeated over and over to the pleasure of whoever must be watching Jisung in pain. There is no completing the level for Jisung.

He’s stuck in a constant loop.

 

 

The next time Jisung has absolutely lost hope on saving Renjun.

The days repeat easily, and Jisung’s fallen straight into another loop of fake smiles and secrets that he can’t tell Renjun.

Lying to a close friend is one thing, but lying to his roommate and crush is too much. He’s weighed down by having to constantly grit his teeth and place a fake smile on his lips.

It’s frustrating, seeing the person destined to die and the one you love all in one every day, acting as if nothing big will happen within the next seven days. He can’t continue this cycle; Jisung needs to break it in some way. The hard part is, he’s utterly stumped on how to. Every single path Jisung manages to take ends up with him at a dead end.

He’s tried to solve one problem so many times, that the results have gotten mangled in his mind.

The days keep on rewinding, and Jisung’s almost convinced he’ll never see his life out of college. He can barely remember what the last time meant to him, nor how Renjun died. And that, to Jisung, is the biggest sign that he should give up. _The cycles will stop….right?_ And so, Jisung stops. He stops trying, he gives up on forcefully stopping all the arguing, he lets Renjun do whatever he want because Jisung knows that in end, no matter what, Renjun will always die.

Jisung’s seen it happen way too many times for him to continue to want to attach on to Renjun, only to be absolutely heartbroken a few weeks later.

He grows farther from the older boy, who has given up talking to him. _It’s better this way,_ he tells himself, but even that simple sentence sounds hollow. In spite of that, Jisung can’t stop the boy from appearing back into his mind. There’s no use to getting Renjun out of heart. He’s stayed there for so long, that Renjun is and always will be a permanent part of Jisung.

Even as he’s avoiding Renjun, he can’t help but want to stay with him.

It hurts. It’s like he’s lost a little part of him.

A few days later he’s leaving the bookstore with his bag slung across his left shoulder, when a flash of bright red and dark brown runs across the street from him. Jisung hasn’t worn his contacts today, and still somehow, he knows that it’s Renjun. He knows it’s Renjun by the way he walks, nearly skipping and running, both at the same time. Jisung’s heart aches every time he thinks of Renjun. This time, something still feels different. The air has changed, has lifted from its dry state and turned to something cooler, something warmer. Jisung’s itching to change his fate.

Without thinking, he sprints across the street, making his way towards the dark alleyway. Jisung can barely spot Renjun, he can barely see anything. There’s a small spot in Jisung’s heart that seems to be controlling his very actions. It’s telling him something’s wrong.

He pushes his way towards the bright red blob, shoving him towards the side. Jisung doesn’t think he’s on charge of his own body anymore. There’s something else, someone else, controlling him, telling him what to do.

Just then, a bright set of lights swing towards Jisung, who instinctively looks towards the headlights that are far too close to him.

The last he remembers is hearing a mortified scream.

 

It's blue and white and all sorts of colours that shine brighter than life. Jisung doesn’t know what he’s looking at, but it hurts to watch, and so, he blinks a few times, hoping for something soothing for him to see.

When he opens his eyes, his hands are intertwined in someone else’s. The scenery has changed. Renjun stands in front of him, grinning widely. They’re in a park, and Jisung’s got an ice cream in his other hand. The dessert starts to slide down his fingers on the hot summer day, and still Jisung doesn’t mind. He’s busy staring at the boy in front of him, who has gotten down and kneeled with a velvet red box in his hands.

The world revolves for a moment, and when he looks up again, they’re standing in front of the altar. The officiator is stating things, nevertheless all Jisung can focus is on is how breathtaking Renjun looks standing face to face, his small face lifts up to meet Jisung’s. There is nothing more beautiful than the man that stands before him, blushing and stuttering into his vows in the most gorgeous tuxedo Jisung’s ever seen.

Again, the scenery changes to a small apartment on a rainy day, boxes and boxes pouring into the small apartment. Renjun walks in and trips on the boxes. Jisung catches him before he can fall. Renjun, smiles, says “thanks!” and gives him a peck before leaving the room. Jisung props up a few pictures from trips they’ve taken across the world on the fireplace.

Next, he’s holding a small boy by the hand as they walk across the street to Renjun. Renjun waves at the little boy, asking about his day at school. Jisung walks behind them, watching father and son skip casually down to their house in the suburbs. His heart is filled with love for the two that talk in front of him.

They stop at a road crossing, and all of a sudden, the scene changes quickly, and Jisung’s palm is kissed by Renjun. They’re standing in front of a small door, Renjun muttering a “this is for the best,” before he walks away. A single tear slides down Jisung’s face. His hands begin shaking as he paces outside of the hotel room. The boy from before has grown up, and now hugs him in fear.

Once more, the blue light he had seen earlier shows up again in the hotel. This time, Jisung’s no longer afraid of the power the blue light has. He’s seen everything. He’s no longer afraid of dying. The light suspensefully grows dimmer, and then brighter and brighter and brighter, until it’s suffocating to Jisung. It’s growing dimmer and dimmer again, yet Jisung still feels suffocated. He can’t breathe, his throat is dry. There’s a force of wind pressing against his eyelids that are—closed? When did they grow closed?

 

Using all the strength he has left in him, he opens his lids to find a furious Renjun. “You idiot!” Renjun’s yelling at him, and Jisung remains silent in fear that’s he’s just in another nightmare sequence. After a few seconds, the scene still hasn’t shifted, and Jisung croaks out a “hi?”

Renjun doesn’t respond for a moment, and Jisung fears that he’s absolutely insanely mad, to the point that he won’t even talk to Jisung.

Something wet drops onto Jisung’s hand, and more new droplets follow. Renjun wipes his eyes with the back of his hand. “Do you know how worried I was?” The urgency in his voice is too much for Jisung, who starts to cry too.

“Stop making me cry!” Renjun sniffles, hitting Jisung’s hand.

“You...were worried?”

“Of course!” Renjun huffs, as if the opposite is unthinkable.

He sighs, taking a seat next to Jisung’s bed. “I thought you knew Jisung.”

Jisung raises an eyebrow, letting Renjun continue on.

Renjun hesitates, before finally going on. “I love you so much, and I-” An awkward pause. “-was so, so worried.”

Jisung freezes. Out of everything Renjun could’ve said, Jisung would have never expected this. The way he says those three words makes Jisung want to question what love means to Renjun.

Before Jisung can say anything else, a doctor knocks on the door briefly and comes in, doing various tests while Jisung takes the time to figure out if Renjun meant what Jisung thought he did. Finally, after a unmeasurable amount of time, the doctor leaves, telling Jisung he’ll have to stay overnight before he can go home for special measure.

“So?” Renjun asks Jisung as he moves back closer to Jisung’s bed.

“The doctor said it wasn’t anything bad. And uh-”

“-I really have to run Jisung, but we’ll talk later,” Renjun interrupts, placing a tiny kiss on Jisung’s forehead. “Okay?” Jisung gives a small nod, watching Renjun walk out of the room.

After a few hours of replaying what just happened with Renjun, Jisung still can’t grasp what he was trying to make from those three words.

 

On the day Jisung comes home, he’s left to take a taxi home alone, with his friends all at school. Walking along the sidewalk, he thinks about just how quickly things can change. One moment, he was stuck in a time loop, and in the next, he’s been transported away from it. The taxi pulls up to his door, and he quickly gives the money to the driver. Nothing’s changed since the last time Jisung’s seen the apartment complex. The same droopy flowers litter the front lawn, and the same neighbours are walking their dogs around the small dog park nearby. He groans, thinking about the work he’ll have to make up from being sick. He clutches his backpack in one hand, phone in the other, as he makes the steps up to the door.

The door creaks as it opens, and Jisung surrounded by confetti.

All of his friends stand in a circle, and Jisung hasn’t felt so relieved to see Renjun still standing alive alongside them all. Even after a week, Jisung slightly feels like Renjun could die at any moment. Renjun carries a flushed face, one that becomes majorly red as Jisung (finally) gains enough courage to fly across the room and suddenly bring him into his arms.

“Thank you.” Jisung’s voice is muffled in Renjun’s coat. “I love you.” The crowd around them has faded away to the living room instead of crowding the small brown mud room, and it’s just the two of them left, staring at each other.

All he can see is the expression of shock on Renjun’s face, the way his cute face has redden, in shock, and he panics, because although Renjun might’ve said the l-word, he was worried about Jisung at the time. Jisung just said it out of nowhere. Surely, Renjun has never meant it the way Jisung does.

“I’m sorry,” says Jisung. He walks backwards out of the house, running down the street before he gets to a park, and sits on the swing, rocking back and forth therapeutically. He watches the little kids play on the slide. They’re loyal and innocent, and Jisung wishes he was back to those days, where things were simple and crushes were benevolent.

A figure sits down to the swing next to him, and Jisung can tell by the shadow’s stature that it’s Renjun. “You know,” Renjun says carefully, talking to glass. “Jaemin told me that I was being too obviously about how I felt,” He swallows hard. “And all so I, um, just assumed you knew.”

Jisung shakes his head. “I, well, I thought you liked Jaemin.”

Renjun laughs, and his laugh bounces off the walls. “Jaemin’s a best friend at most, you’re different.” Jisung looks up. Renjun has a serious expression on his face, and he moves the swing sideways towards to Jisung.

“I’ve been thinking for the past few days, I just, I don’t know.” Something gets caught in Renjun’s throat, and he looks away for a moment. Jisung waits silently, urging him to go on. Finally, after a long moment of silence, Renjun begins once more. “I realized that you were all I could think about, that I wanted to talk to you constantly, that I didn’t want you to leave my side, and most importantly, how much you mean to me.”

Jisung’s words are caught in his throat. He can’t say anything.

“Jisung, will you be my boyfriend?”

Jisung’s stupendously silenced to the point that all he can do is nod.

Luckily, the way Jisung pulls him into a hug tells Renjun just what he wants to say.

 

There will be plenty of time for Jisung to mention the science-fictional past that Jisung’s gone through. Plenty of time for Jisung to listen to Renjun ramble on of theories about what must’ve happened for the universe to repeat and for no one to be aware of it except for Jisung. Yet right now, all Jisung wants is to be by Renjun’s side for long enough to know that this a reality, that Huang Renjun is his boyfriend.

Jisung’s glad to have gone through those many horrific scenarios for the end one to mean saving Renjun.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i hope i did the prompt justice!  
> the plot for this took me so long to piece together. i wrote the end first, erased it (cause it was trash), and then restarted. midway through i considered just ending it there? to be honest i didn't know what i was doing.  
> anyways, i hope you liked it! it has way more of a plot than anything i've written before.  
> thank you!! writing critiques are always welcome <33
> 
> talk to me on [twitter!](https://www.twitter.com/starlightrenjun)


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